


Our Moments of Summer

by Hnkfckr69



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Gratuitous Japanese, Hurt/Comfort, Incest, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 14:17:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16477151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hnkfckr69/pseuds/Hnkfckr69
Summary: Gon has paid the price for Killua's disobedience. Now is the time to grief, to hide and to heal.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic has been written two years ago as a Christmas gift; for my heart, my only, my muse and my love, my little precious wife.

“Gon!“ Killua dropped to his knees to touch the lifeless figure through the metallic bars. It was warm. Killua heaved a sigh of relief, but he shuddered at the bruises and dried blood Gon was covered in. Shouldn’t he have been strong enough to bend those iron bars and beat the crap out of whoever attempted to do this to him? But deep inside he knew that against some people, beating and screaming and cursing did not help. It just made them want it more. Enjoy it more... Killua shuddered again and forced his thoughts onto a different, more practical path. He needed to get Gon out of here and then run. Fast.

“Otouto-chan, what are you doing here?” The cold, emotionless voice made Killua’s spine crawl with invisible spiders, rendering him paralysed and helpless. He looked up to the dark authority figure suddenly looming above his field of vision. He could have cried, if he ever had been allowed to cry.

“Killu, what did I tell you about making... ‘friends’? This time, I left a reminder for you, since you seem unable to remember on your own – the empty husk of that person you so selfishly put in front of your own family.”

Beats of sweat ran down Killua’s forehead. They got caught by his eyebrows, a tickly sensation snapping him back into action. _Focus. Always focus on the objective at hand._ He shook Gon’s upper body.

“Wake up! Wake up, Gon! We gotta go!” He pulled Gon to the metal bars, ripped open his torn shirt and felt for his heartbeat. A reassuring but faint pulse made him almost puke from relief.

“Gon, wake up! Let’s go!”

When he again tried to shake his horizontal friend into consciousness, a heavy weight fell onto his right shoulder. Illumi held him in a death grip.

“Don’t be silly, Otouto-chan. He will still sleep for a while. Your doll is broken. Try it as you might, you will not mend him.”

With inhumane strength Killua ripped himself free from the grasp, ignoring the flaps of skin and blood spatter as a result of this action, turning and facing his brother right into his eyes; dark, soulless pools of nothingness.

“LIAR!” Killua felt this word escape his mouth with such force he himself was taken aback. The next seconds went by in a blur. Killua pushed his claw towards Illumi’s heart. His older brother dodged him seamlessly and cocked his eyebrow. He raised Killua by his shirt and pushed him against the wall, his other hand covering Killua’s throat.

“Do you have a wish to die, Otouto-chan? Should I kill your doll first? Should I kill you together? Looking into each other’s terrified eyes, while I press the breath of life out of you both... If only father would not want you alive...”

“An interesting proposition.” A cackling laughter echoed in the dungeon. Killua squirmed. With Illumi, one at least knew what was coming...

“However, as I’ve already let you know on more than one occasion, if you ruin my well-prepared feast, I will destroy you. For days.”

Illumi just stared at the intruder. But after a few seconds already, he relented.

“As you wish. There is no bounty on him anyway...”

“Good boy.” Hisoka grinned and squatted beside Gon. Killua kicked and screamed as the jester caressed the cheek of his helpless friend. _Useless. I am useless... I can’t help him!_

“You can go,” Illumi said nonchalantly. “I will release him. Dump him at his mother’s place. They will nurse him back to health. I cannot guarantee for his mind, though. He might be... disturbed.”

Hisoka licked his lips and smiled. “If you made him useless for me, if you ripened him before I could taste him, I will slice your flesh, millimeter for millimeter, from your toes upwards. Understood?”

Illumi responded with a court and disregarding nod.

Hisoka still smiled as he said “Ja, ne?” and hopped out of the small window high under the ceiling. So that’s how he came in...

A low, growling blubbering reached for Killua’s attention. Gon was moving!

“Gon!” Killua screamed , but this time his scream was mingled with exhilaration and excitement. He struggled and hewed his fangs into his brother’s arm, who looked at him without any discernible emotion.

Gon stood now, bent-forward but firm. He panted heavily. With a tree-logging roar he seized the two iron bars in front of him and pressed them apart. He fell through the hole onto the floor, but immediately tried to stand up again.

Illumi, with Killua still in his grip, was at Gon’s place in the fraction of a second.

“Hisoka is an idiot. What does he want with such a pathetic wimp? So weak.” He put a boot on Gon’s head, slightly pressuring him into the dust.

“You don’t think Gon needs his face to fight, do you, Killu?” His deep pools of nothingness connected with Killua’s wide eyes full of horror and pleas.

“Otouto-chan, do you remember this little game we played? Before... you had the audacity to leave us? Your only family? The only ones who understand you, really love you?”

Killua averted his inhumane stare. He looked at Gon. So precious. So fragile.

“Yes, I do, Aniki.” Killua’s voice was monotone, emotionless. He felt himself falling again into this foggy state of mind, like a well-oiled machine, still knowing what it was expected to do, which duties to perform, not thinking, not questioning, not feeling. Cold. Like a killer. Like a piece of meat.

He had not felt like that since he met Gon.

Gon.

When the word echoed inside his skull, a picture sprung up in his mind. Eyes, bursting with curiosity. A sensual, bright, beaming, happy smile. Those cheeks he would love to touch, but never dared to. Admonished himself for the mere wish. _You’re so dirty. He will find out how rotten you are... He is so clean. So soft. Precious..._

And with this image of Gon, his emotions welled up. He, futilely, tried to squash them. His eyes finally filled with tears, as he began to work on his brother as he was expected to.

“So, after all, you do have a heart, Killua.” Illumi sounded surprised. He caressed Killua’s hair who almost choked with disgust. Of Aniki, of himself. But he couldn’t stop crying.

_I just want to kill him._ He tried to hold onto this thought, a lifeline to steady himself through this madness. _One day I will kill him. When Gon is not at his mercy, I will kill him._

Gon still fought. His movements became weaker, but he did not give up. _He will always fight._ Muffled cries reached Killua from below. Killua felt so much embarrassment. _Now he knows how dirty you are. Now he knows you are not only a killer, but a whore. Can he see past that? Will he?_

Killua spat. He wiped his mouth on his sleeve and faced his brother once more. His tears had dried.

“Let us go now.”

“As you wish. But remember, your true place is here, and only here, with your family, by my side. I am the only one who understands you, Killu. Who knows your deepest secrets.” A pointed look towards Gon.

The he released him. Killua hoisted the half-conscious Gon over his shoulder, scrambled towards the little window Hisoka had left open, and without leaving his brother out of his sight, he heaved Gon and himself out.

They were greeted by sunlight and the carefully arranged flower beds of the Zaoldyeck summer house garden. And then by a never-ending alley of beautiful fir trees. A bus stop. A hotel room.

A precarious feeling of safety.

Gon had fallen asleep in his arms on the double bed, that was, this one time, too big for the two of them.


	2. Chapter 2

Killua slept uneasily. Often he was not aware if he was dreaming or remembering an endless procession of horrors parading in front of his eyes. He sweated and startled countless times, listening for Gon’s breath with a pounding heart. Gon, too, tossed and turned in his sleep and cried out from time to time. Whenever he was semi-conscious, Killua gave him some water from a bottle he had taken from the over-priced hotel fridge. _Will refill it with tap water and put it back again. Rip-off bastards._

When the morning sun slowly trickled in through the cracks and crevices of the deeply yellow curtain, Killua looked at Gon and pondered about his decision. The one he made under the stars, in what seemed a century ago. Everything was different now. Shame burned his face when he thought about what Gon had witnessed.

But he could not leave him alone. And Gon could not leave him either. _Please, don’t leave me..._

When he had just made up his mind, Gon’s eyelids started to flutter like a butterfly with broken wings. He forced them apart, in such a laborious way as if he suffered a giant headache – which, all things considered, he probably did.

“Gon, are you ok? How are you doing?”

A crooked smile. “Good.” If Killua wouldn’t have already expected this answer, he could not have made out the barely whispered syllable.

“Baka! You’re lying, as always! Wait, I’ll get you a pill and a glass of water.” And he stomped off to hide the tears welling up in his eyes.

When he came back, Gon had propped himself up on his elbows and looked at him defiantly.

“I was not lying, you know? You should believe me when I’m saying something.”

Killua did not respond. Gon took the pill without any arguments. Afterwards, he laid his heavy head onto the pillow again.

He did not ask where they were, or what had happened after he fell unconscious. He trusted Killua, and that they were safe.

Killua shifted in his seat uncomfortably. How much did Gon remember from yesterday? He was too scared to ask.

“What did he do to you? My brother.”

Gon’s face winced just a little bit. _You goddamned liar!_ Killua was furious, but not at Gon. Why had he not been there? To protect Gon... His only goal and use in life, and he had messed it up so badly! Even worse, he was the reason that Gon was hurt now...

Gon misunderstood Killua’s distraught expression.

“Please don’t be angry, Killua. But... maybe not now. It’s such a nice morning, why ruin it?”

Killua’s features softened. It was true. The tilted window let in some fresh air that smelled like early summer, and the sun stroked their faces with a gracious warmth.

“What should we do now?” Killua was surprised by his own question. Somehow, he did not really want to think about the future.

“Home. But not yet.” Now Gon looked slightly alarmed. “Mito-san would be worried, you know? Telling me being a hunter just gets me into trouble...” He laughed embarrassedly.

“So we just stay here? I booked the hotel with your card...”

“Why not? This place is as good as any.” Gon stared into space for a while, then his eyes shut and he fell asleep, more peacefully this time.

Killua gulped and clenched his fists.

_Gon. I will never forget. And I will never forgive. Whatever he has done to you, I’ll pay him back._

_A hundred times._

***

Killua muttered under his breath. _Of course_ he had forgotten where in fucks sake he had put this stupid key card. Both his hands were full with grocery paper bags which precariously teetered back and forth while he tried to reach into his trouser pockets to find the card. Killua contemplated to just kick in the bloody fucking door. He could buy a new one (with Gon’s card).

The door opened and a sleepy Gon squinted at his friend.

“Gon!”

When Gon took in a whiff of Killua’s surprise, he beamed.

“That smells great! Let’s eat!” He did not take anything out of Killua’s busy hands, but opened the kitchen door for him. Killua took out the freshly sealed noodle soups he got at a ramen stall just around the corner, additionally to some healthy vegetables and fruits and more sweets than his mom, or any adult for this matter (except Milky maybe), would have approved of. For a while, there was nothing else to hear but munching and slurping.

Killua could not bring himself to break the silence.

Afterwards, with a determined face, he took out the first aid kit he bought and looked at Gon.

“Now, up with your shirt and down with your trousers! I wanna see what’s up with you there!”

Gon looked alarmed. “Hey, I’m doing fine...”

“No way, I’m gonna have a look at you right now! There was blood everywhere yesterday!”

He tried to grab Gon’s shirt but Gon evaded him. And again. And again.

“BAKA!”

Soon they were chasing through the hotel room and trashing it in the process. The TV received a dent where Gon used it as a footstep for a daring jump straight across the room. Killua ripped down the chandelier which could not hold his weight after all. Bad quality. When Killua had finally subdued his still weakened friend, pinning him onto the floor, the room looked like a dragon had turned around in it. Twice.

Thank Kami Gon was a good saver.

“Will you now comply? You don’t make it any easier for me, you know?”

Gon laughed. “I dunno, I just did not want you to look at me... It’s a little private, you know.”

Now Killua blushed and was in light speed on his legs again.

“Haha, it’s ok. I trust you, Killua.” Gon stood up much more slowly and pulled his ripped shirt up. There was so much dried blood on it, it would have been hard to guess its original colour. It stuck to his body in several places, but he finally managed to bring it off.

Killua had seen Gon in bruises so often. After training, when they were showering together. He had had his own fair share of them, and always marvelled at how easy they seemed to heal.  
He had heard how Gon’s bones were shattered by a man twice his size, age, strength and skill level.

He had seen Gon holding his dried up arm stumps in front of him.

How could he still be shocked?

His friend’s upper body only consisted of cuts and bruises. At some points, a thin blade seemed to have pierced the body in strategic, non-lethal places. _Sometimes, you will have to extract information from your client, Killu. Look, I will show you where they are. Put up your shirt, Killu. The scars will remind you, so you will never forget._

Killua smashed the first aid kit onto the floor and went to work. He washed and disinfected every cut, every bruise, every hideous moment of Gon’s torture. When he was done, Gon looked a bit like a mummy from a movie with very bad special effects.

“And now your legs.” Reluctantly, Gon pulled his trousers down, which had only covered his thighs anyway. There, it somehow looked even worse.

Killua gulped. “Gon, I’m afraid those cuts go straight up. I can’t bandage them if you don’t undress completely...”

“No.” Gon said it very calmly, but definitely. “Bandage it up to this point, I’ll do it from there. I think I understand how it’s done, Killua-kun.”

Killua was dumbfounded. He had the feeling that Gon erected a wall between them. Invisible, but impenetrable. For the time being, anyway.

Killua finished as Gon had asked him to, and then left him to rummage in the kitchen. He had a heavy feeling in his stomach that did not seem inclined to leave him anytime soon.

Killua hit his fist on the worktop and cried silently. _Baka! Talk to me!_

But had _he_ ever talked to anyone?

***

They took an evening stroll outside to catch up on dinner, and also to test Gon’s sore muscles. Not that it had been necessary, with the demolition of the room and all, but they both tactfully tried to ignore the subject of their kerfuffle. Others, not so much.

“What did he do to you, your brother? When you were young?”

Gon hastily clapped on Killua’s back, who tried to choke on the leg of his teriyaki chicken, possibly out of embarrassment.

“Baka, are you crazy? You could’ve killed me!”

“Gomen ne?” Gon sweatdropped and scratched the back of his head.

Then he waited.

The answer came hesitantly. And it was a question.

“Why do you want to know? All of a sudden.” Killua grumbled.

“You know why.” Gon looked at him earnestly. “I have seen what he is capable of. I have seen what... he made you do...”

Killua abruptly stood up and turned his back towards Gon.

“So what?! My brother has a sick head, and he bothered me constantly. That stupid brat. ‘Do you want to play a game, Killu? Look how easy it is, Killu. Isn’t it fun, Killu?’ That sick fuck. That kamidamned bastard! If father had known...” Killua’s tears dropped on his half-eaten chicken, and from there soaked the earth he was standing on.

Gon did not reply. Killua was too scared to turn around to look if he had left, abandoned him, as he deserved it. _They will all go, Killu. Nobody truly loves you except me... Now go to sleep, Killu, let me give you a kiss... My son..._

And then he felt it, a fraction of a second before it happened. Gon’s warmth announced the hug shortly before Killua was embraced from behind. He could feel Gon’s aura touch his, his red, fierce, bright energy engulf him in more light than he ever thought possible.

“It’s ok, Killua. It’ll be alright. Whatever happens, I will protect you. I will protect you. And you will protect me, ok? Let’s make a pact. To look out for each other. Always.”

Killua closed his hands around Gon’s. And that was all the reply that was needed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little glossary for all the non-German speakers out here:
> 
> Hartz IV TV: Daytime TV. It's a kinda derogatory term as it is derived from the German laws regarding the unemployed, being supposedly the primary target audience and also the focus of the programming.
> 
> Judge Salesch: A German court show. Basically Judge Judy, but she's most famous for a case involving a common snowberry shrub and a wire fence.

They lazily had slouched on the couch in front of _Hartz IV TV_ for the third day in a row. Their energy was uncharacteristically low, a heavy rain refusing to subside which had already flooded several key traffic junctions in the area.

Not much had happened in the last days.

After their promise to each other, they both followed a silent agreement to, for the time being, let their wounds rest. Gon’s body needed all his strength for healing, and Killua was not too keen to dig up memories he had buried long ago.

But Gon’s body needed help, nonetheless. Killua rolled from the sofa and stretched like a cat while judge Salesch sentenced a child abuser to death. Killua’s satisfied smile turned slightly apprehensive when he turned to Gon.

“Ne, Gon, it’s time for the bandage change. We need to look if anything got inflamed, put on new salves and stuff...” Killua was an expert in tending to such wounds himself.

Gon stiffened up almost imperceptibly, too. “Ok.”

They made their way to the bathroom, just in case it could get messy, and Killua took out the new first aid kit (since they had run low on bandages already).

Killua slowly removed the wrappers around Gon’s arms and upper body. Containing the sweat from three days, Gon’s scent assaulted Killua’s senses in a wholly unpredicted way. Killua’s heart beat faster, and he was very happy Gon did not have Melody’s supernatural hearing ability.

The black and blue marks had turned brown, at other points already into a fading yellow. Gon looked a bit like a giraffe. His body was so strong. And his mind. Gon had never spoken up about the pain he must be in. Killua marvelled a bit about Gon’s ability to heal so fast, blushed when he realised that the reason for his attention could be mistaken for something else, and then went methodically to work.

First, he washed the grease and sweat off with soap and a sponge. He did not have to do that – Gon could have done it himself – but Gon did not protest.

_We will protect each other._

He scanned and disinfected again all the wounds. So far, they seemed to be progressing well. There was only one cut that worried him, on Gon’s left side under his ribs. It had turned into a garish red that seemed to pulsate under his touch.

“Does it hurt when I touch it?”

“More than elsewhere.”

“We should keep an eye on that one.” To underscore his words, Killua beat lightly on Gon’s ribs.

“Ouch!”

“Gomen, Gon!” Killua looked aghast, but Gon smiled painfully.

“As long as it hurts, it’s still alive, ne, Killua-kun?”

“Don’t call me like that!” Killua mumbled and wrapped Gon up again.

Then he washed Gon’s feet, and Gon chuckled when the sponge slipped between his toes. Killua worked up Gon’s legs until he was reaching Gon’s shorts again. He stopped, unsure of how he should proceed.

Gon stood up from the little plastic stool he had been sitting on, nonchalantly pulled down his shorts and underwear and stood in front of Killua just as Kami had made him.

As Killua was taking off the last bandages, he was _very_ careful not to brush against a specific body part, but he could not help unsavoury thoughts beginning to populate his head. Which, if temperature was any indicator, must have been on fire already.

_How could Gon not notice?_

But then, every thought stopped dead in its tracks. Against all odds, this part of Gon’s body was even more mangled than the rest. It was a giant, almost repulsively sore, barely closed wound.

“ _What_ has my brother done to you?!”

Gon turned around. His anus was inflamed, his buttocks looked like somebody had treated it with an iron frying pan. Gon looked at his fingers, which intertwined and pulled away from each other in a deliberate succession.

“I dunno, I think... Most of the time I was unconscious. I just woke up in time as he finished. It was so awful... It hurt, and I could feel his hot load filling me, it was disgusting... He was satisfied afterwards. So for this day, he was done. I was almost grateful.”

Killua almost blacked out. A rage so deep and powerful swelled up in him, he could barely contain it anymore.

_This world is so rotten. A world where such a thing can happen to somebody like Gon... Such a world deserves to burn..._

Gon had turned around again and took Killua’s hands.

“Ne, Killua, we are not finished here, remember? Please help me and then tuck me into the bed, will you?”

Killua tried to calm down. _Bury you anger. Bury your fear. Bury your memories._

Gon hold him steady.

The moment was gone. Killua was very careful with Gon. If Gon would’ve talked about his pain, he would have told Killua how surprised he was that his treatment hurt so little. At one point, there was only one body part left, and Killua was not sure he was allowed to take care of that, too.

He hold up the sponge. “Do you want yourself...”

“No. I trust you, Killua.”

When Killua did as he was told, he received a visible reaction. This was to be expected, he supposed, but the understanding of the purely physical details of it did not help his embarrassment in any way, shape or form. When he looked up, he noticed that Gon had blushed as well – but he laughed!

“Hahaha, it does not always do as it is told... Gomen ne, Killua!”

“Uh, yeah, I know what you mean...”

Afterwards, Killua worked fast. He did not feel threatened by Gon, it was just that there were some lines of thought involving him that he tried to avoid, during daytime at least – at night, he was given no choice in the matter, and his subconscious had already made _very_ clear what he wanted to do with Gon, and how and how often as well.

_He’s my friend! Knock it off, dammit!_ His respective part of the body often enough did not behave as it was told either...

Finally, he was sitting at Gon’s bedside while Gon sipped on a cup of hot cocoa they had ordered from the room service. Cooking anything themselves had lead to rather questionable and potentially unhealthy results, as a burning kitchen usually tends to be. The bills piled up and Killua already considered to just bail at some point in the middle of the night – too bad they knew who Gon was through his card...

“Ne, Killua... Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, baka.” Killua smiled, and Gon smiled back.


	4. Chapter 4

Assistant doctor Paladiknight hasted through the halls. There was an emergency calling with a name he certainly did _not_ want to hear under such circumstances. But why was he surprised? This kid would end up just as his father!

Leorio sped up his sprint even more and slid down the rails in the staircase. He waved to a scandalised chief nurse. _Desperate times..._

When he busted into emergency room one, Gon was smiling weakly at him. His body was obviously burning from fever.

“Gon!” Leorio looked at Gon’s stats and the wound that the nurse already had exposed. It was filled with pus, and a red streak reached for the heart. Leorio saw that there had been made some rather amateurish attempts to tend to the wound.

“Which back alley hack did you let do such a botch job?! Why did you not come here immediately? And what in Kami’s name has _happened_ to you?!!!” When he looked up, Killua’s mouth twitched in anger, while Gon looked rather sheepishly.

“Gomen ne, Leorio. We just didn’t have the possibility, you know?”

Leorio took a close look at Gon. Pale. Shallow breathing. Possibly _Toxaemia_. Damn.

Gon was already hooked on a drip. Leorio looked the laboratory findings the nurse had given him, and prescribed antibiotics and a transfer of blood plasma. They had come just in time. What if Gon would have gotten into a septic shock?

But what concerned Leorio on a whole different level was the condition of the rest of Gon’s body – at least the part he could see, but somehow he had a bad feeling that the rest did not look much better. There had apparently been a considerable force involved. What the fuck had the kid been doing?!

“So what’s wrong with him?” Killua demanded to know.

“Probably blood poisoning,” Leorio murmured while filling out the subscription. “Don’t worry, kiddo, we’ll have him out and about – just a few days, you’ll see.”

“Thanks, Oji-san.”

“Nothing to thank for, brat.”

***

Gon had known that this would happen eventually. But when it did, he still was not prepared.

Kurapika had entered his room with a bouquet of exquisite flowers, and explained the meaning of each flower kind to him. Gon did not mind at all. Kurapika’s voice was so soothing. It fit the peace and quiet of this almost otherworldly hospital room, the open windows letting in a warm summer breeze. Killua had left the room to sneak to the snack vending machine. Maybe that was why Leorio came in at this moment. They wanted to see Gon alone. Bring him to talk. Killua was so fiercely protective of Gon, he wouldn’t have allowed it.

But they were his friends. He felt he owed them the truth.

Leorio stood in the doorframe for a few seconds, unsure of how to continue. Then he took a chair and sat beside Gon, taking his small hand into his big yaoi pranks. Gon’s hand almost disappeared in his.

“Gon, tell us what happened. We want to help you. But we can only do that when we know with _what_.”

Gon thought about it for a while. But when he inhaled air, finally intent on speaking, all that came out was a miserable, no-holds-barred cry.

***

Killua watched Gon’s room from the floor above, where the snack vending machine was located. The hospital was built as a giant square with a big sun-filled patio, so one could peek into rooms where the curtains where withdrawn from a certain angle. Killua had had a lot of fun with this feature already. Like a cat, he would slouch at Gon’s window sill for hours, observing the people below. There was always something to see – and report to Gon, who often laughed, which filled Killua with a strange sense of pride.

Now he saw that Kurapika’s eyes turned red when Gon finally talked, how Gon had drenched Leorio’s lab coat in a desperate hug that did not seem to end.

_They take care of him. There he can cry. Now Gon has the people he needs. They will protect him now._

Killua absent-mindedly stuffed the candy bar into his pocket and slowly made his way downstairs, into the lobby, and from there towards the back entrance.

Force of habit.

When he strode through the entrance, he almost walked into Kurapika, who stood in the middle of the doorway with crossed arms.

“Where are you going?”

“Not your business. Get out of my way.”

Kurapika did not. “He needs you now. And you need him.”

“He has you now. And it is all my fault anyway! How could _I_ protect him?! I am the reason he almost died! I am the reason Aniki tortured him just to teach me a lesson! I should’ve known this would happen! I should’ve been _there_!”

“I know.”

Killua looked at Kurapika surprised.

“I carry the burden of my tribe’s death. Because I had not been there. Maybe it would’ve changed the outcome, maybe not. But I should’ve been there, facing the fate of my family and my friends. And my dearest friend Pairo. But I wasn’t there. Neither were you. So I understand your pain.”

“Then let me go!”

“But as I will now avenge my tribe’s members deaths, you have a gift in your hands that you should not lightly throw away – Gon’s life. Gon’s alive, Killua. And you can mend him. Maybe he will never completely be the person he was before, but he’s alive, he’s healing, and that’s all that matters.”

Kurapika kneeled in front of Killua and embraced him.

Killua closed his eyes.

“Killua, you are important too. Your life is precious too. Please don’t forget that.”

“You should talk.” Killua said it with a cracking voice.

“As you well know, the sinner knows best the sin.” Kurapika smiled.

***

They spent as much time with each other as Leorio’s and Kurapika’s tight schedules allowed. Melody, too, visited the young patient as often as she could. Gon loved her self-made cakes, and being lulled into a wholesome rest by her flute.

When two weeks had passed, Gon was allowed to leave the hospital for short periods of time. The summer heat was dazzling. Often, they would just go to the nearest coffee shop and eat ice cream. Later, Killua and Gon took the bus to spend some hours at the beach from time to time.

Finally, around six weeks after Gon had been admitted to the hospital, Leorio issued him a clean bill of health.

“You’re good to go, Gon. After you, uh, paid the hospital bill. I’m sorry, but since I’m still learning, I can’t let you off the hook...”

“Can’t you pay for him, old geezer? Or do they pay you starvation wage?”

“As a matter of fact, they do.” Leorio pushed his reading glasses up his nose again. When he was done with the paperwork, he looked at Gon intently.

“Gon, I did for your body what was in my power. But how do you feel... What are your thoughts about this? What will you do... if you can’t handle what happened?”

Gon was silent. He had no idea.

“I... You know, when I was little... There was a wounded foxbear, it had just lost its mum... I nursed it back to health, and it became a very happy big foxbear. But every year, in autumn... He would go to the place. Where his mom died.”

Gon took a deep, calming breath. “I think... I will have this place always in me. Maybe I’ll go back to it from time to time... But it is just a part of me. It’s still fresh, but... I think it will fade away. At some point. I can wait until then.”

Leorio thought about it, then he nodded. “You are very strong, Gon. But if you ever need help... visiting this place, don’t hesitate to give me a call, ok? We want to be there for you, Kurapika and Melody and I.”

“And Killua... Take care of him.”

“You bet, old geezer.”


	5. Chapter 5

After loitering around for so many weeks, Killua was not even bothered by the day-long hikes to reach Gon’s home on Whale Island. But he did not really like it, either. It gave him too much time to think.

About Gon. About his feelings.

It did not really... disturb him. He thought it was ok to be in love with Gon. He had always thought it was ok to be attracted to him, in his own little fantasy-world, where no one else would ever be the wiser.

But for him, what had happened had changed everything. He came so close to lose Gon. Without ever having the chance to tell him how much he meant to him. _Why do I want to do this, anyway?_

Because he was his dearest friend. No, the dearest everything that had ever existed.

But the timing...! Were his feelings flaring up because Gon had to go through the same as he did? What kind of fucked-up bond was that?!

He hated to think about it all.

Gon’s cry of sheer joy yanked him out of his broodings. Mito-san’s house! It was still fairly distant, but Gon had already started running. They would reach it in no time.

And Killua was scared of that. He could not really point his finger on the exact reason. He really liked Mito-san. But he did not like to compare her to somebody else. It hurt so much.

But he sucked it up and ran after Gon. Gon was happy. And that was all that mattered to Killua.

***

Killua was always amazed how overjoyed Mito-san was to see him when they visited her. It was not only because he was Gon’s friend. The way she made his bed. The way she cooked for him, with little pictures out of ketchup. The way she smiled and embraced him whenever they stood in front of her door. It spoke to his heart in an entirely unfamiliar way.

 _Why?_ She did not even know him properly, but she always took so many troubles for him...

But in the end, did it matter? With no place to really call his home, Killua thought this was a nice refuge for once. He had unpacked his little backpack, they had eaten lunch (including all the vegetables, to Killua’s continuing dismay) and then went out fishing for the rest of the day. Gon had been so excited, Killua did not have the heart to protest. So there he lay sleepily in the evening sun, watching Gon furtively from time to time – the head up, his cheeks rosy with excitement. A happy little smile that never seemed to fully escape his lips.

Gon was content. So Killua was content, too.

They went to sleep early. Killua had not seen Gon naked since the hospital staff had taken over the care for him. He was relieved to find how much better Gon was now. Yes, there were fresh scars. Scars that fit his own. But otherwise, Gon looked as healthy as ever.

He still woke up in the night though, from time to time. Killua wished that he could cradle his head in his arms, as he did so many weeks ago in the hotel. Rocking him to sleep. But he didn’t dare to.

_He doesn’t need this anymore._

No. The truth was that he himself was a coward, who ran away from his own feelings.

***

When he woke up, Killua was alone. Yawning, he was slowly descending the wooden stairs, when he saw Gon crying in the kitchen, Mito-san caressing his head. So she had not told him off for being a hunter, after all. But then, Killua would have never believed this about Mito-san anyway.

Killua held his breath. He tried not to shift his weight, so the stairs would not creak. Gon told Mito-san everything. Much more than him.

_Why? Does he not trust me as much?_

About how utterly terrified he had been. How this had been different than any fight he ever had before with anyone – sportsmen, killers, killer-clowns, they all had their own, often twisted, codes and rules. But this... It was just made to break you. No further goal needed. Just to hurt somebody else, his dearest friend.

_Oh, Gon..._

Part of Killua’s training as an assassin consisted of moving as soft-footed as a cat. Killua did it always, almost subconsciously. Now he took extra care to soundlessly reach the bed, acting like he was still sleeping. When Gon woke him up with puffy eyes, but cheerfully taking the blanket away, Killua’s protests were genuine.

_He did not want to hurt me even more. That’s why he did not tell me... He does not want me to bear the guilt that I deserve..._

Later, they went fishing again. This was Gon’s idea of ideal entertainment. But this time, they also took a refreshing swim in the midday heat. The sun dried them afterwards when they were lying on a big flat stone on their backs, spreading their legs just in their boxers. Killua looked at Gon from the side.

“Ne, Gon... You don’t have to tell me, but... What else has happened to you?”

Gon’s expression changed from relaxed to stern in an instant. Killua immediately regretted that he had asked him now.

“Didn’t my body tell you the rest of the story? I know you can read such things.”

“Yes.” Killua searched for words, tentatively, scared somehow, of what he had no idea. Or maybe he did?

“Are you angry at me? Because, if you were not my friend, this would not have happened to you.”

Gon looked surprised. “For you, having you as a friend... No matter what happened, it was worth it.”

Now it was Killua’s turn to look surprised.

“What? For _me_? For _my_ friendship? Being tortured, raped, beaten, stabbed? You’re right, I could read your body! I know what my sick excuse of a family member has done to you! But for me? Worthwhile because of _me_? How can you say that, Gon?! If I could turn time back to save you from this pain by not becoming your friend, I would! Even if it kills me, I would!”

Agitatedly, Killua had hopped up and started pacing back and forth.

“If I could only be your friend by being tortured, raped, beaten, stabbed, I will shoulder this burden gladly.” Gon went up to Killua’s side and took his hand. Killua reached back with the other and cracked the stone they just had laid on with the sheer force of his fist. Then Gon broke the whole thing to pieces with his. Killua looked at him, like being woken up from a daze.

“This is how _I_ feel when I think of what your brother has done to you. For years and years. What I had lived through, it was nothing compared to your suffering. Isn’t it so?”

“It wasn’t only my brother.” Killua sounded dejected. “My mom... when she brought me to sleep, she would undress me, do things to me, to ‘make me fall asleep’...”

“Why did you never tell me before? Anything of it?”

Killua closed his eyes. “There was no reason for it.”

He put his arm over his face. “But now that I have started to talk... I just can’t seem to stop.”


	6. Chapter 6

A foxbear, if you can overlook its sharp teeth and long claws, is first and foremost a very fluffy animal. And cubs even more so. Killua had always held a rather wary truce with nature, but he started to warm up to it more and more. When they weren’t fishing, they watched animals taking care of their young – little fat birds on their first tries to fly, the first swimming lessons of fuzzy little ducklings, wolfcats on the lookout for their first prey. Gon’s fascination for all of these things had an influence on Killua he could not, and did not want to, resist. He had acquired a tan, although Gon was still several shades darker than he, and felt more and more at home in the woods, on the slippery stones in the river, sleeping in the forked branches of a tree older than time. Without him realising it, it was not only Gon’s soul that slowly lost its restlessness again. They both slept soundly now in the night, and often dozed comfortably in the shades during the worst heat of the day. Killua felt more and more at ease, with Gon, with the world, with his own body. Which is an explanation as good as any for what happened on this day.

“Ne, Gon...” They had taken their fishing gear to a small cave at the lake which was cool and fresh. Killua felt his heart pounding in his ears, and cold sweat running down his spine, but he tried to appear calm, and his voice was steady. _I mustn’t run away..._

“Hmm?” Gon lay on the small beach in front of the cave, holding his fishing rod perfectly still.

“I like you.” Gon looked up to him and smiled.

“I like you too.”

“Gon, I... I love you. Not just... like a brother. Or how a brother should love a brother, anyway. And not only as a friend.” He had thought about how to express it so Gon would understand, but saying it now, it was so difficult. “I love you like a man loves a man. Your body, your soul. I love your smiles, I love your tears, I love your laughter. I even love that sometimes you’re such a fucking idiot!” Killua laughed helplessly.

“I know you might not... return my feelings, but it just grew and grew and... it just bursts out of me! I just... I had to tell you this! I hope you understand!”

And he forced himself to look at Gon’s face, and he saw what he had feared so much... Surprise.

_You mustn’t run away._

“I’m sorry if that is... If you feel...” His voice cracked.

_I will lose my only friend..._

Gon took his hand. He looked at Killua earnestly.

“I’m sorry, Killua. I at first wasn’t sure if you were joking... I thought, this is as clear as this summer sky above us! All the time... I love you. You love me. Isn’t it obvious?”

“I... you... what?” Killua looked into Gon’s eyes. He gave him a shy peck on the lips.

“So I can do... this?”

“If you want to.” Gon laughed.

“And this?” He put a hand under Gon’s shirt.

“Hmm.” Gon’s voice had changed a little, and he wasn’t laughing anymore.

_I must be dreaming. But that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it, right? Hope I won’t make a mess in Gon’s bed, though._

Killua leaned into a slow, tentative kiss. Gon’s tongue went into his mouth with a surprising forcefulness.

_Wait, this feels really different... This is not a dream!_

Killua ended the kiss and looked at Gon, shocked out of his mind. “This is not a dream!”

“Eh... I don’t think so?” Gon’s face was reddened, and now he scratched the back of his head. “I like kissing you, Killua.”

“Er... me too.” _You’re such an idiot! Say something meaningful!_

“Uh... want to do it again?”

***

“Kissing is fun. We should’ve done this much earlier.” Gon cooled his feet in the shallow water in front of the beach, waggling his toes.

“Why didn’t you, though? I mean... apparently you had a different view about the nature of our relationship...”

“Uh... I dunno.” Gon laughed. “I always thought you’re prudish... Talking about such things, but not doing it, in that sense, you know. Like, you’re not ready yet? And... I felt a bit shy about it, myself. I guess, I wanted it, but... And after what had happened...”

“Yeah...” Killua was still confused. “When did you notice it? That you love me, I mean?”

“Dunno. It feels like... I always loved you. Like there was no time in my life when you weren’t the most precious person for me.”

Killua looked at Gon’s profile. “I feel the same. What was before... It doesn’t matter as much anymore.”

They watched the lake silently. Rings on the water showed where fishes took a gulp of fresh air. The cicadas were singing. Ducks went by, looking for food in the tangle of water lilies nearby.

“Can I touch you?” Killua was aware that such a question could be understood in a myriad ways. But he struggled still with the words – everything was so new!

“Wherever you want.” Gon’s answer appeared lazily, but it had an apprehensive overtone that was not missed on Killua.

Gon’s scent was so intoxicating that Killua always felt like in a daze when they were close. Killua slowly traced Gon’s face, his arms, his legs, he put his finger into Gon’s navel who protested with laughter, and kissed his nipples which changed their form and colour. Killua was fascinated.

He slowly moved his hands into Gon’s pants, encircling his cock. It was hard already. An involuntary moan escaped Gon’s mouth, and he laughed sheepishly. His cheeks had taken on a rosy colour, and his gaze was a bit glazed already.

But then, his expression turned into concern. He put his hand onto Killua’s. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

Killua smiled. “It’s ok, Gon. I want to. I feel... like I’m in charge. I want to, and I can do what I want. And you?”

“It feels nice.” Gon blushed even more. “I’m just a bit embarrassed.”

Killua stroke Gon’s cock very gently. He sometimes stopped to trace its tip, to feel how it became even more rigid. At some point, Gon urged him on.

“Faster, Killua, please...!”

His breathing had become more shallow, rapid. His fingers, which had stroked Killua’s back, now clawed themselves into Killua’s flesh like bench vices. But Killua did not stop. He wanted to give Gon pleasure. He delighted in seeing Gon like this, so ecstatic, so pure, so single-minded, like on a hunt. When he brought him over the edge, Gon’s roar made the ducks fly up in indignation. His body convulsed so strongly that Killua had a hard time holding him down. Whatever Gon did, he always did it with his full force. Killua smiled when Gon looked up to him, lying in his arms.

“Thank you, Killua. That felt... amazing.”

“You were amazing, Gon.”

Gon’s face suddenly flushed to an even deeper red of pure embarrassment.

“... Do you think... Mito-san heard that?”


End file.
